Dark Night of the Soul

Then came one of those most pivotal days of my life, which I now understand was my Dark Night of the Soul. MI had made various promises to me which he had not honored. When I approached him on it, he taunted me and said “so what -- what are you going to do about it”? I did not react. My spirit calmly spoke to me. I knew it was now or never -- I had to reclaim any shred of personal power I could muster. Nothing has ever taken more courage than to walk out of my home, with 2 babies, the next morning. I had no idea what I would do next. I arrived at a women’s shelter, a mere shell of the person I once was 10 years earlier. I had few prospects for employment (as my nursing credentials had expired) and my finances were tied up in our marital property.

I relinquished financial support just to get the divorce over with. I lived in fear of MI’s retaliation and did not have the energy or voice to stand up for what I would have been legally entitled to financially. This next point may seem insignificant, but for me it was huge. There came a pivotal day when my lawyer said “well, just tell him to jump in a lake”! That one phrase opened the door to for me to begin reclaiming my voice and take back a bit more of my personal power.

There were plenty of difficult years being a single parent of 2 preschoolers. I was operating in survival mode and felt very little joy in my life. I was easily triggered, reactive and defaulted to fear-based decisions.

One day I read a quote that really spoke to me. It read “Religion is for those who are afraid of going to hell; Spirituality is for those who have already been there”.

Illuminating the Path

Slowly the “bread crumbs” that would eventually lead me along the path of transformation were starting to appear. There were so many teachers (people, books, information) that landed in my lap and guided me. I honor each one of them for what they did for me but will limit it to those which significantly shifted my perspective.

I vividly remember the day I read in a women’s magazine about the accounts of people who had come back to life, after death, and their experience of it. I was absolutely fascinated. It opened the door for me to believe “I might have a soul”.

Colin Tipping's Radical Forgiveness illustrated how life is like a tapestry – beneath it are lots of messy threads, but each one of them is essential to create the beautiful masterpiece you have when it is all done. It helped me understand Soul Contracts, and how we as spirits make promises to help each other grow and achieve our spiritual goals on earth. Sadly, we do so at the risk of sometimes not liking one another at the end of it – but we do so out of great love.

Dr. Wayne Dyer's Inspiration: Your Ultimate Calling CD program accompanied me on many long road trips and laid such a broad foundation of the many things that still add value to my life today.

The Mirrors of Relationship (Hannelore@hannelore.ca) was my first exposure to “our shadow” and how the people in our lives trigger us to reflect back to us, the emotional wounds we cannot see for ourselves -- so they can be recognized and healed. The truth was that my marriage was not the only relationship where people took advantage of me or where I gave away my power.

I had the good fortune to attend the Vancouver Wellness Show since its beginnings almost 30 years ago. When I first started attending, massage was considered “woo-woo” back then. The annual 3-day event provided such incredible exposure to topics and products that were on the leading edge of health and wellness.

Gary Zukov’s Power of Intension, Dr Bruce Lipton’s Biology of Belief (epigenetics), and Dr Emoto’s water experiments were revealing the power of our thoughts.

Medical physicians were beginning to write books about their own life after death experiences, and the journey of the soul was now a topic of research and documented in cases studies.

Years later, the pandemic and lockdown were an unexpected blessing in my life. Online learning opportunities were abundant, and I was passionate to learn. The buffet of topics was so delicious to me, and much of it was free because they were in a virtual format. I paid for many courses as well. I had access to all kinds of virtual teachers. I gravitated to those who with professional credentials but acknowledge a different path to wellness. During this time, I would typically listen to 3+ hours of seminars in the evening and most of day on weekends. That was well over 1500 hours of independent study in just one year – and much of that continues to this day! I don’t claim to be an expert in any one thing, but I pride myself in the broad knowledge base I have acquired. The investment in my personal growth and learning has been a tremendously good use of time.

Opening doors

Angels eventually opened a door to a position in Population Health. The position was for someone with a master’s degree, and I had just barely completed my nursing refresher, but they took a chance on me with the expectation that I would begin working towards my nursing degree. The program Director became a mentor and friend. He believed in me both professionally and personally. A very learned man, he continued to expand my intellectual, personal and spiritual horizons. I owe him a debt of gratitude. Years later, when he retired, I was the successful candidate to fill his position. The aim of Population Health was to understand and support the health of “communities”. One of the acknowledged challenges was that “Not everything that matters can be measured (Albert Einstein) … and not everything that can be measured, matters”. We even see that now with the latest of telescopes revealing what was there in the cosmos all along, but we simply did not have the sophisticated tools to see.

There were still some tough years … single parent, working, and going to school, but things were shifting as I now had financial security, and was doing meaningful work. But I was exhausted, still had little joy in my life, plus I experienced guilt for the time my education was taking away from my children. I was still in emotional and physical pain – but why?

Dark Night of the Soul / Lighting the Path